As two seasoned and professional doms that not only share a business but also share a life, King Noire and Jet Setting Jasmine are well versed in some of the challenges that may emerge in the face of kinky incompatibilities. As King himself has noted, people often approach him and Jasmine with wonder and ask how they manage their relationship, given that they are both doms. The long answer is that they’ve figured out a dynamic that works for them: they coexist and dominate others together. The short answer, as King jokes, is compromise.
For those new to the world of kink, finding and properly expressing your preferences and boundaries is a necessary, but potentially daunting task. What’s even more daunting? Finding individuals or a community that safely supports your efforts, especially if you encounter obstacles along the way that challenge conventional kinky wisdom. What if, for example, you find that both you and your partner are subs? Or that you have radically different communication styles? Or that they are not interested in kink at all? While these issues of incompatibility may seem insurmountable, King and Jasmine offer their professional expertise on all things compromising in kink.
In this second installment of Honeysuckle Magazine’s Porn and Politics column, King and Jasmine’s discussion analyzes the intersections of consent, exploration, compatibility, race, gender, ability all within the context of kink.
Honeysuckle: What advice do you have for folks that are new to kink and need guidance figuring out what they would like? What can safe experimentation and negotiation look like for novices?
Jet Setting Jasmine: One of the first things that comes to mind is individual exploration. One of the safest places to explore is in a class, in a group setting, maybe even doing some observations before jumping right into exploring a new kink.
King Noire: Definitely try things incrementally. For example, if you want to try anal play with your partner, you don’t want to just jump in there and throw your whole dick in! You should look through what the different steps are to get yourself ready for that. Maybe start with some beads, maybe start with some light play. Starting with steps keeps it safe.
JSJ: I agree. It’s okay to try something and then take a step back, reflect, see if it’s working for you. It’s okay if it’s not. It’s okay to try something new or to keep it at the level you are comfortable with. I would also suggest working with sex workers like ourselves, whether it’s in the capacity of exploring things with cam models or other sex professionals. Just be sure that it is legal in your town.
HS: Are there specific communication methods that are particularly effective or ineffective in kink spaces or dynamics?
JSJ: Shaming can definitely put a damper on people feeling free and safe and able to explore and make their needs known. However, it’s perfectly okay if something is not your preference or if it’s not for you. But don’t yuck anyone’s yum!
KN: I like that. Having a shared language to refer to different acts, fetishes, and kinks is helpful. Learning if you’re going to be doing anything that could cause bodily harm, learning the different parts and functions of the body is also important. You need to be able to communicate openly about what it is that you’re looking for and what you want. The better you communicate, the better and more effective all of these negotiations will be.
HS: What does consent look like in the context of D/s power exchange? How do larger societal power imbalances (e.g. race, gender, ability) inform conversations and practices around kinky consent?
JSJ: Before any power is exchanged, there needs to be some set of rules, limits, and expectations for both parties. Consent looks like talking about what you want to experience. Both the Dom and the Sub should have an opportunity to make their needs known, their desires known and what they’re willing to do — and then negotiating if those terms work for the other partner. You can negotiate in the middle of scenes if there’s things that you want to change or if maybe you are overly ambitious and need to scale back. We also talk about how you’re going to interface with each other for aftercare or even when the power exchange comes to an end.
KN: The larger societal power imbalances come into play when you’re talking about people who are trying to push things like race play or even when people automatically think that the Dom should be the man and the sub should be the woman. If people have ideas that a certain gender or a certain race is subservient and if they’re trying to push a specific agenda where they feel that they are dominant over somebody else because of who or what they are, that’s gonna pop up. People come into scenes with racial stereotypes. For example, if you’re Asian, people assume that you’re supposed to be subservient or some crazy shit like that. But when people are actually expressing themselves for who they are and how they see themselves in regards to domination and submission, they leave all that extra societal stuff behind. Hopefully.
JSJ: The kink road becomes very much like a microcosm of the larger world. When we think about ease of communication between genders or ease of communication between people of different backgrounds, whether that be race, religion, etc., there’s lots of intersections in the kink community. We look to create an inclusive space for people. We certainly honor our differences in how we talk to our participants about being sensitive to our historical background, or being sensitive to the fact that women are often under attack sexually. So it may require a different approach in the kink community. We definitely encourage people to communicate about those differences that could be really fun but could certainly be potential triggers as well.
HS: For couples that opt to experiment and play together, is “kink compatibility” or “kink complementarity” necessary? How can couples that are not necessarily “compatible” find ways to enjoy and support each other in kink spaces?
KN: When it comes to compatibility and finding areas of compromise, it’s like fitting together puzzle pieces with somebody. Let’s say you like to get suspended and I’m not a rigger, but I am voyer when it comes to you. I’m willing to sit and watch or be supportive, even if it’s not your kink. You can still be there as your partner’s aftercare specialist. Who’s going to know how to care for their loved one better than their loved one? In those areas, you can find a lot of compromise and compatibility.
When other people view me and Jasmine, they ask ‘how do two Doms exist in one space?’ Like it’s some kind of bad sitcom or some shit, you know what I mean? But we don’t try to dominate one another. We coexist and dominate others. [We find] a way to work it together. That’s where the compromise comes in.
JSJ: Yeah. And that creativity brings a really fun element to our uniqueness.
HS: At what point is compromise in kink impossible?
JSJ: I don’t think that compromise is ever impossible. The compromise may be that we don’t play together or that this is a dynamic that we don’t share.
KN: So we break up? We compromise or we are done for?
JSJ: I don’t look at the ending of certain relationships as such a terrible thing. Coming to an agreement that you’re not satisfied or that you’re unable to find a way to work with each other in this capacity may mean that you need to change the relationship. You could be friends. You could have a regular vanilla relationship. And you explore your kinks without the other person.
With these kinds of topics, especially when it comes to relationships, we don’t give people space to walk away.
KN: Yeah. People make it seem like that’s the end of the world. The end of a relationship isn’t particularly the end of a world. It’s the end of that relationship, you know?
We only look at relationships as together or apart instead of looking at the different ways that you can be together and keeping it growing. However, negotiating a scene is impossible with someone who’s unwilling to negotiate.
But sometimes you’re in a relationship with somebody and your kinks don’t align and you can’t find a place to negotiate. We incorrectly assume that kinky people will just forget about the kink and stay together. But if it’s a part of you and that’s something you want to explore or that satisfies you and what you’re into, you shouldn’t have to cut off what pleases you to be with somebody.
JSJ: Right. And for a lot of people, their fetishes and their kinks are just as much a part of their identity as anyone else’s sexual identity. It is important. If you have a partner that’s not willing to give feedback, that could potentially be one of those areas that I would find really difficult to move forward. When you have someone that, even in a power exchange, is not willing to take any responsibility or not open to giving the partner feedback, that could be really difficult.
Interested in continuing the conversation? Check out the full length video interview of King and Jasmine on jetsettingjasmine.com, where they delve even further into the art of negotiation while crafting a safe scene for new and old participants alike.
You can also check on the previous installment of Porn and Politics: On Being Black and Polyamorous here.
Be sure to follow King and Jasmine across all social media platforms for more provocative content! You can also find them on KingNoireXXX.com and
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