Sensual, intense, and often mysterious, the BDSM kink community has long thrived in the shadows. However, with more open exploration of these worlds, many beginners are stumped or intimidated by their lack of knowledge. Where is the best place to start if you are an absolute beginner? Enter a sex-positive educational collaboration between #Open, a dating app for ethically non-monogamous daters, and Lotus and Blane Ropewolf, a pair of professional kink educators.
This week #Open presented "Rope for Solo & Partnered Intimacy with Lotus & Blane Ropewolf," a free Zoom workshop. #Open is a dating app that caters explicitly to ethically non-monogamous couples and singles looking for community and connection without judgment. The app allows users to create either partnered or single profiles and is inclusive of all genders and sexual orientations.
As a part of #Open’s mission, they share a commitment to improving society by providing education that relates human relationships, human sexuality, gender identity, and protecting marginalized communities. Their series of free virtual workshops feature a variety of speakers from various fields sharing their passion for sex-positive education.
Lotus and Blane, the hosts for the workshop in question, are ethically non-monogamous romantic partners and co-educators, brought together by a mutual love of BDSM. Lotus is a professional dominant who specializes in rope and sensation play. Blane, also known as Gawddess Blane, is a licensed massage therapist, copywriter, and professional submissive of 15 years. She has made it her mission to create a safe space for kinksters who look and love the way she does.
After meeting curious people around the country, the couple decided to share tips to keep new kinksters within the fold, specifically queer and/or Black newbies, and to help create a safe place in the community. Initially, they began by offering private consultations for aspiring tops and bottoms. Eventually, they moved to virtual education to provide space and opportunity for learning about kink safely during the pandemic. They continue to offer these services and have plans to expand.
BDSM Rope Play Safety Basics
In the #Open workshop, Lotus and Blane appeared in color-blocked, matching burgundy and black outfits, topped off by T-shirts reading "Noirgasm." There was an immediate sense of their connectivity as they caressed each other throughout the presentation. Representatives from #Open took note of their "sensual, soft, intimate chemistry" from the start. From the virtual audience, it was undeniable. They opened the session by setting the intention of having fun, allowing for an intentional release of the pressures of instantly mastering the art of rope play.
They began by introducing rope play to strengthen communication between partners or even connecting more deeply to yourself in solo sessions. It can seem complicated and even intimidating when you first dive into the art of Shibari, the beautifully intricate Japanese style of bondage. For this reason, Blane and Lotus simplified their presentation to be absolutely beginner-friendly. Blane explained, “The ties tonight, I created because I didn’t have Shibari brain, but I still wanted to enjoy this thing without feeling so burnt out from it everytime, or like I wasn’t good at it.”
Both partners expressed that rope play was something they used to self-regulate and center themselves. Lotus struggles with anxiety and finds a level of clear-headedness while tying. Blane deals with chronic physical pain and sometimes uses rope play to transmute that discomfort into a sensation she can control.
“Sometimes I’ll tell myself, ‘Well this is pain I can’t control, but this is pain I can,' and it makes me feel super badass,” Blane said with a smile.
The two-hour workshop focused heavily on the basics of rope safety. This included discussions of consent mechanics and introductory ties meant for beginner riggers (person who ties) and rope bunnies (person being bound). Equipped with bright pink safety shears, the couple revealed the importance of engaging in “Risk Aware Consensual Kink,” also known as RACK. This would entail learning all of the potential risks involved in the activity you elect to engage in, whether solo or partnered. For rope play and bondage, understanding the points of the body to avoid (like your hair, neck, wrists, or ankles) and learning about washing and caring for your ropes are part of the preparation.
Preparing the BDSM Scene: Negotiations and Communication
Another acronym Lotus and Blane introduced, FRIES, helps kinksters remember that consent should be Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic and Specific. These consent mechanics are essential for partnered people, where the lines of consent have been historically blurred. In fact, many non-kink practicing couples can benefit from including some of the more intentional steps of a BDSM scene.
They heavily impressed upon the audience the importance of the scene being set in stages: a clear beginning, middle, and end. Blane explained, “Having a designated time of preparedness allows us to know that this is what the expectation is. Part of the fun is to prepare each other's bodies.”
One begins with negotiations with partners about what is or is not consensual activity between the parties involved. This part of the process consists of preparing yourself physically and mentally for what is about to happen. Ask each other questions, figure out how you are feeling mentally and physically. Are there previous injuries that everyone should be aware of? Is there a specific part of your body that needs special attention? What are your triggers?
If you are alone, they suggest touching the parts of your body that have been neglected. This is a good way of preparing yourself for future partnered play, as you can direct your partner. When choosing your rope, you can go for more natural products such as hemp. Still, cotton or colorful nylon ropes are easier to care for and offer more variety in creating artistic ties. Black female-owned rope producer Pretty Ropes features a beautiful collection of nylon ropes in various lengths, including lengths for all body types.
Entering the BDSM Scene: Subspace and Aftercare
Following the preparations for the scene and opening negotiations, the middle part of the experience is the actual scene. Many BDSM practitioners describe experiencing a high or sense of euphoria known as “sub or top space.” Like any other intoxicating experience, coming down from that state can be jarring. That is why before playing, an aftercare plan should be made.
Lotus added, “It's very interesting because it feels weird to say. I realize that so many people are not familiar with the term [aftercare], but a lot of people in the rope community talk about it. When you experience that euphoria it's important to have someone who's going to take care of your body and your mind when you come down from that space.”
Aftercare is a list of things that will enable your partner to care for your body and mind after the scene ends. This helps carefully bring you out of that experience instead of you feeling discarded after something incredibly intense. However, the process and needs of aftercare are different for everyone. That is why before play, during the preparation stages, you must open a space for communication about all of your needs, from beginning to end. This aspect of dominant/submissive dynamics is something that can be integrated into any type of relationship.
After carefully going through the safety precautions and pre-planning stages of a scene, Lotus and Blane brought out ropes and taught the audience two basic variations of a tie that could be done solo or with a partner. They closed the scene by thanking each other and reflecting on what brought them to this stage.
Tears of pride sprung into Lotus’s eyes as Blane reflected, ”It's important because to be completely honest with you there's just a lot of things my body couldn't handle but I still wanted this experience and I didn't want to feel like my disability disqualified me from having this exploration.”
Behind the Scenes with Gawddess Blane
After the workshop, Honeysuckle was able to have a one-on-one conversation with Gawwdess Blane. She identifies as a queer, polyamorous, lifestyle submissive who engages in ethical non-monogamy. Besides Lotus, her romantic and business partner, she has another partner and sometimes plays with others. She exudes a caring and magnetic energy, with her big smile and penchant for giggling while teaching. She has been actively involved in rope play for three years after discovering it six years ago. Initially, she was enthralled with the imagery of intricate Shibari ties but intimidated by the fact that none of the rope bunnies or riggers looked like her. There was a lack of racial and physical representation that made her journey isolating at times.
Despite her lingering curiosity, she did not want to put herself at risk. Around that time, she came across Lotus, a professional rigger who worked with a more diverse group of bottoms. She met him at Blk and Kinky, a curated BDSM play party organized by Mistress Marley, a Black professional Dominatrix and Kinky Educator, geared specifically to BIPOC kinksters.
Though Blane didn't say much at the party, she spent the time carefully watching Lotus in action. He also identified as queer and seemed to pay particular attention to Black femme submissives. “I saw what he was doing, and who he was, and I was impressed. He felt like a safe place,” she said, smiling the whole time.
Lotus was teaching at the party, and she was intrigued with the way he was articulating safety skills in the moment. A few weeks later, she reached out to Lotus, and after they carefully vetted each other, they set their first session for Christmas eve of that year. They've been together ever since.
When asked why it was so important for people to learn BDSM safety skills, Blane simply answered, "Because of trauma." She recognized how difficult it was to encourage someone to engage in BDSM when their introduction to it involved manipulation or unsafe practices. Anywhere a community is created, there is the danger of predators emerging.
A professional sex worker since being emancipated at sixteen years old, Blane remembers the helping hand of sex workers, especially other Black women, keeping her safe in that environment. “I survived because of Black sex workers specifically,” she stated. Their advice allowed her to navigate the world with more confidence while remaining safe.
Blane wants to create that same type of relationship between herself and BDSM newbies. BDSM is risky, and ethical non-monogamy can be complicated. Her favorite parts of the experience are the vetting and scene negotiations, reaffirming her dedication to risk-aware play. These things gave her the tools to vocalize while submitting, allowing her to securely engage in the experience. Being educated about the ropes and practicing while she's alone has boosted her confidence on both ends of the rope.
In the next few weeks, Blane will debut a new project called The Foreplay Series, hosted with her partner Jae Johnson. These small events are carefully curated to allow attendees to explore sexuality, intimacy, communication, and expression. The small exclusive events will vary from happy hours to interactive rope play workshops. With safety at the forefront, they are excited to offer their first class/play event on September 4th.
All of their events require a vetting application to be completed before the event. The September session will be followed by an intensive weekend pleasure experience in Atlanta in November and a refresher course on consent for those whose vetting application was denied. She even has plans of making a workbook out of their vetting education plan. Blane is dedicated to educating everyone to engage in play safely, and to creating safe spaces for BIPOC kinksters to enjoy "pleasure without pressure."
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For more information about Lotus and Blane Ropewolf, follow @Lotus_Ropewolf and @thegawddessblane on Instagram. To learn more about Blane's Foreplay Series, visit theforeplayseries.com or follow @theforeplayseries on Instagram.
Learn more about #Open and future sex-positive workshops by visiting hashtagopen.com or following @hashtagopen on Instagram.
Featured image: Gawddess Blane Ropewolf (C) #Open / Lotus and Blane Ropewolf
