By Moxie McMurder
Seventh Son – If busty wenches and dragons are your cup of tea then grab a bag of popcorn, switch off your brain and enjoy this glorious bit of nonsense. Directed by Sergei Bodrov and starring serial mumbler Jeff Bridges and the glory that is Julianne Moore Seventh Sonis the best worst film of the year so far.Seventh Son is based on the book The Spook’s Apprentice by Joseph Delaney and tells the story of Master Gregory (Jeff bridges) a ‘spook’ who fights evil spirits and his new apprentice Tom (Ben Barnes).
A blood moon has risen which has made a witch called Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore) so strong she can escape her cell, which Master Gregory put her in years before. She and her witch sister Bony Lizzie (Antje Traue) are hell bent onruling the land and it’s up to Master Gregory and Tom to stop her. Throw in a love story concerning Bony Lizzie’s daughter Alice and Tom and you have all the ingredients for a fantasy feast! Sadly this feast looks better than it tastes.The special effects in Seventh Son range from quite impressive to cheap and nasty at times and while the cast may be good there is no chemistry between Tom and Alice (Alicia Vikander) which leaves the whole romance a little cold. The storyline itself it quite dull and doesn’t exactly tread new ground, I’ve no idea how this matches up to the book.Jeff Bridges just bawr bawr bawr bawr’s his way through his lines and could do with a side of eggs to go with his ham. The wonderful Julianne Moore is a little campy too but she’s brilliant and can do no wrong. As the evil witch Mother Malkin she’s wonderfully flamboyant and has such pizzazz she knocks everyone else off the screen with a flick of her wrist.Let me be clear, this is not a good film but that didn’t stop from enjoying the hell out of it. This is leave your brain at the door, eat some junk food and passively let the film wash over you. Despite its problems it’s a fun watch and so long as your expectations are low you might come out of it with a smile on your face.
Moxie is a mad, bad and dangerous to know roller girl, film blogger, photographer and social media maven with a love for horror, classic Hollywood and strong coffee. For more of her work: https://theonlyfinalgirl.wordpress.com