Mourning the Death of a Sex Friend

In loving memory of Derek Mills, who has passed away November 5th, 2018.

Derek, who was a bony cuddler, humidifier user, and a blanket stealer, died yesterday, November 5th. Although the cause of death is not specified, the medical examiner says it was due to “casually bringing up that he and Kat had been banging for four months.”

Derek will always be remembered for texting back in a timely fashion. He always seemed engaged, even though he never remembered anything you said.

Derek went to school for music, and in his later years had a podcast about well…nothing. Friends say he was a good guy, even though Derek tried to be a DJ at one point. Derek would always offer coffee in the morning. He made you feel special by bringing out the French press—one of his classic moves.

He never juggled more than one girl at a time, and he was a gentleman that way. His heart was still closed off on account of an ex from 2013. The effects of his past failed relationships left him severely impaired to this day, which some feel may have contributed to his quick passing.

Is it true that Derek may have stuck around if the timeline wasn’t brought up? Most likely, doctors say. It could have added some time to his love affair, but no longer than six months, and even then he would have had a sudden disappearance.

Kat says she had a feeling he was distant “when he didn’t offer me a shirt to sleep in,” and when he suddenly started “going to the gym in the morning.”

We believe he is in a better place now, swiping right on girls doing yoga poses in weird places.

Funeral arrangements will be at Kat’s house. Please send her froyo—the low-fat kind. Along with condolence cards that read “Fuck Him.”

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Kristin Manna is a freelance writer and stand up comic living in NYC. You can follow her on Twitter @KristinEManna