Using dating apps to meet a nice Jewish boy poses its own unique challenges. For example, there is a high likelihood that someone in the algorithm will be your cousin, your ex, your friend’s brother, your ex’s friend, or your friend’s ex. Here are other warning signs that you should not swipe right.
He will have…
His first picture with sunglasses on, completely blocking his face. Extra left-swipe points for wearing sunglasses in every picture. Extra extra left-swipe points if it’s a picture with a row of nearly identical guys, also all wearing sunglasses.
At least one picture on Birthright. It will be either the Dead Sea and Masada or the Jerusalem skyline. Tour group lanyard is CLEARLY visible. It is probably orange or pink.
A picture from someone’s wedding with a purple glow from the lights. Probably looking away from the camera, possibly holding the hand of an older female relative, maybe his mom, maybe his sister the bride. Might be wearing a kippah. Haircut makes him look sort of Israeli. Some facial hair.
His “virtues” (Yes, that’s what they’re called on Hinge) look like…
Political affiliation: “Moderate.” As one comedian I saw on YouTube put it: “Moderate? In this political climate?” Alternatively, “moderate” when he really means Democrat but is staunchly pro-Israel or otherwise a single-issue voter.
Job: “CEO,” “Founder,” or “entrepreneur,” with a lower-case E. He is 23 years old or younger. College is not listed at all. Very sus.
Location: Random suburb in Israel. He will also list his job as just “IDF,” which is, interestingly, not a job title.
He will choose the following questions and answers…
Most spontaneous thing I’ve done: “Spend a year in Israel.” OK no, that’s not spur-of-the-moment, that’s a $20,000+ program before going to college which probably took a lot of effort to convince your parents.
Fact about me that surprises people: “I’ve been to the Middle East” doesn’t count if all you did was ride a camel on a guided tour while you were on Birthright.
My last meal would be: “Chicken parm.” (Why don’t they ever write out the whole thing? It’s called chicken parmesan.) Also, that is a clear dog whistle that he’s not kosher. Boy bye. We could never move in together.
I’d donate a kidney for: “A new liver.” I’m glad to know you like poking fun at binge drinking culture and your own active participation in it. This is also a good indication that he was in a frat at a large state school.
Best travel story: Something about being arrested or waking up drunk in another country or being “banned from” a country. It was probably somewhere in Europe or on a small island during his study abroad or while on spring break.
Go-to karaoke song: “Ignition (Remix) by R. Kelly.” Please update your profile.
What I’d like to know about you: “Your Uber rating.” What? How is that interesting at all? Also terrible: “How you like your steak cooked”. Excuse me, I don’t want my steak “cooked” vaguely; please sear it or grill it.
Dream dinner guest: “Larry David.” Seriously? Is he the only Jewish comedian you know? Did you stop enjoying comedy ten years ago?
Next vacation I want to go on: “Skiing in Japan.” What? It sounds kind of exotic but then you see it dozens of times. Otherwise he’ll put “the Patagonia”. Boy, the Patagonia is nearly half a million square miles! Be more specific! Or “Thailand”. Just “Thailand.” No further details.
Something that surprises people about me: “I’m a twin,” “I’m bilingual (Hebrew or French),” ”I’m (specific Middle Eastern ethnicity).” None of these are accomplishments.
Ideal first date: “Let me cook for you.” No, this is cringey. Abort, abort!
He will find a way to include something about how his mom says he’s handsome.
Other objectively bad responses:
A life goal of mine: “Wealthy.” Where’s your grammar, bro?
You should leave a comment if: “You have a good personality”/”Are chill.” WTF does this mean?
He’s 6’0? I can make an exception.
—Jackie Hajdenberg is a staff editor at Honeysuckle Magazine, a writer based in New York and an alum of Barnard College. You can follow her on Twitter @DrJackieMrsHajd.